Why Rest Feels Difficult

If we listen what we keep being told, it would seem that rest sounds simple. Lie down. Slow down. Take a break. Step away. "Just be". But for many of us, rest can be anything but easy. It can bring feelings of discomfort, feel unfamiliar, bring feelings of guilt or even feel threatening. We often desperately crave rest, but we find ourselves unable to settle, trying to find things to do, to be productive, or, on the other hand, we scroll on our phones with feelings of guilt increasing with every swipe of our thumbs.

We often mistake it for laziness or some sort of resistance, or even berate ourselves for our perceived lack of discipline, but it can actually be a nervous system response. Because rest is a state, not an action. And for a lot of us, especially in periods of prolonged stress, that state can feel really hard to access.

Staying alert

If we have lived with stress for a long time, it has become part of our everyday life and our nervous system adapts. To help us cope with stress, it learns to stay switched on. It's constantly vigilant, braced, ready, looking out for threats so that we can survive. Even when we can see that the external pressure has eased, our internal system may not immediately believe it.

In order to rest we need a sense of safety. And safety is not created by logic, but rather by our experience. If we have spent months or years in constant survival mode, suddenly requiring a shift into rest can feel unfamiliar, if not unsafe. If we are still we may feel vulnerable. Quietness can be exposing, we may start looking out for threats. And to slow down may as well be equated to losing control. All those responses are physiological and they don't mean that we are weak, but that we are on alert.

Coping through movement

In many cases what helps us cope is staying busy. Our movement becomes for us a way in which we can manage emotion, avoid being overwhelmed, or keep those difficult thoughts at bay. Through being acive we regain a sense of control that fills the empty space.

And then, when a moment of rest appears, the momentum we created doesn’t simply stop. The system keeps going. Our mind continues to scan. Our nervous system remains braced for danger. Instead of rest, stillness can bring up for us feelings that, until then, have been held at arm’s length. And so rest itself is not just the fact of not doing anything. It brings to light everything that stayed quiet because we kept doing something.

The discomfort of unfamiliar states

For some of us, rest can feel challenging because of its unfamiliarity. If we grew up in an environment where we had no example of how rest looks like, where it wasn't valued or where rest didn't feel safe, then we don't see it as natural. It's as if we were suddenly thrown into a foreign country with no knowledge of the local language. In theory we may recognise some of the words and can figure out their meaning, but it's still very awkward and we aren't sure if we got it "right". So we may return to what we know best, even if what we know best is tension.

“Proper rest”

If that wasn't difficult enough in itself, there is also a cultural layer. We often hear that rest should be hacked or optimised, something that is efficient, restorative and yet still productive. We may feel that we should rest in a certain way, perhaps pick up a hobby that we will then be able to monetise? We feel as if there was a right way of resting, a right amount of time with an outcome that we can perceive or document.

The irony is that this turns rest into another task. Another thing to get right. And consequently it can become a place where we feel like we’re falling short. When rest becomes a performance, it stops being rest.

The return of what we've been holding

When we stay still it then can bring things to the surface — our emotions, memories, sensations, thoughts. That's not because rest is dangerous, but because our physical self calms down, stops, and has space to speak.

For some of us this can feel really overwhelming. We may then associate rest with the return of things that we've been working hard to keep at bay, not come back to, or that are simply too difficult to manage because of everything that they carry. By avoiding rest we can then avoid of the noise that we can hear when everything else beocmes quiet. We are protecting ourselves. We want to survive.

A way of being human

Once we look at rest through the lens of our nervous system, it can become clearer why it can feel so difficult. Rest isn’t just a choice, it's a whole state that requires us to feel safe, a familiar place and sufficient resilience and internal capacity to be able to soften. If that feels hard it doesn't mean that we are doing something wrong, but rather than our system has been working very hard for a very long time.

And so we cannot force ourselves to rest. That will only strengthen the resistance. Instead it becomes possible through curiosity and gentleness. We are slowly teaching ourselves that we are allowed to settle, that we are sage enough to pause. That we don't have to stay braced forever. Even if it is just for a few minutes. Everything is already a start.

Dom

Integrative Counsellor (Trauma‑Informed)

Specialising in Trauma, ADHD, Narcissistic Abuse, Burnout, PTSD/CPTSD and Moral Injury

Practising in Malvern, Hereford, and Online